As I prepared to go to work today I decided that I would
listen to The Sisters CD that I found the other day after a year of it being
missing. Usually nothing is odd about my decision to listen to music. In fact,
I love music. I’ve loved music before I can even remember. Music has always
been part of my life. Music is where I find God. Unfortunately, when I am
depressed it is very hard for me to listen to music. If you ever want to know
how I’m feeling ask me if I have listened to The Martins or The Sisters
recently and if I haven’t you know that my depression is acting up. What is so
surprising about my decision today is that my depression has been really
difficult the past couple of days. In the past week I can count on one hand how
many times I have left the house. I left twice for work and once to have lunch
with a friend. The rest of the time I was in bed watching Netflix, playing
games, or sleeping. Yesterday I was sick, but I think a lot of it had to do
with the depression. It hasn’t been this bad in a while and sometimes I don’t
know how to handle it.
I don’t tend to discuss my
depression with a lot of people because depression is so misunderstood in the
church. Only my close friends whom I trust know how bad it is. So why am I
writing about it in a blog? Well the answer comes from my music session today.
I came to a realization about God and his people and I thought maybe if someone
was reading this who is hurting they could be encouraged. So here it goes…
I was
listening to The Sisters and one of the songs is entitled, “You Always Answer
Me.” I have listened to this CD so much that I can usually sing the songs
without thinking about what I am actually singing, but today I couldn’t just
sing the words. In fact, I felt like a hypocrite singing the words because I
don’t believe the words to be true. Here are some of the lyrics that stood out
to me:
“You always answer me, right in my hour
of need. Not always how I think you should, but always for my good. You always
answer me… It seemed the heavens were unopened when I called upon your name,
even so come quickly Lord in earnest hope I pray but my lowly expectations for
your plans, they were no match, though broken when you finally came, you gave
more than I asked…And how I know your will is that you’ve always been true to
your word, you’ve always heard and led this willing one. So be it unto me
according to thy word, according to thy way, thy will be done.”
Wow, powerful words. The song is singing about how God answers our prayers even when we don’t think he does. My issue is with the line, “Not always how I think you should, but always for my good.” Everything within me wants to scream, no you don’t God. Everything that happens does not end up for my good. What it is, is a bunch of garbage that piles up in my soul and makes me want to die. How can that be good? (For those of you who do not realize the freedom to express yourself to God, let me tell you that you are allowed to feel whatever your feeling. I am proof of that. I am thinking these thoughts, saying these thoughts and writing these thoughts about God and I am still here. But if you need more evidence, I encourage you to find a Bible and look in the middle of that big book and find the book called Psalms. I am not the only one who has been angry at God and willing to tell him how I feel. The Psalms are fool of angry words. So take a deep breath. God is a big god, he can handle my words, plus he already knows what I am thinking so I would just be lying if I pretended to be okay.)
So why do I
sing the songs that I don’t believe? The answer is simple: Because I know the
lyrics to be true. What I am learning in this life is that there is a
difference between KNOWING what is true and BELIEVING what is true. I KNOW that
God loves me and works all things together for the good of those who love him
(Romans 8:28). BUT I DON’T BELIEVE IT. In my heart of hearts I don’t believe
that the things in my life are going to work out for good. How can they? Do I
think that losing my ministers license is for my good? Of course not. (Oh my
bad, spoiler alert. For those of you who are looking forward to my ordination
as a Nazarene pastor and maybe wanted me to be on staff, the jig is up…I don’t
have my ministers license anymore.) Do you think that having my talents denied
over and over and over again is for my good? NO! There is a huge list of things
that I could list off that make me hate my life and hate me, but I will only
list these two because they are the ones I am dealing with right now.
So, how do
I live? I don’t know. That is a very good question that I have been asking for
months now. How do I begin to BELIEVE what I KNOW to be true? I honestly don’t
know the full answer, but what I realized today is that I need to keep singing.
Sometimes the enemy, Satan, can convince us that we are a lost cause if we do
not always believe what God has said, but that is a lie. Satan is the father of
all lies and will tell us anything to make us feel like we cannot come to God.
BUT IT ISN’T TRUE! What is true is that Jesus Christ is our mediator to God and
we can come to him any time. I NEED to continue singing the songs that speak
God’s truth because one day the wall around my heart will break and I will
finally BELIEVE what I am singing.
When
singing doesn’t work, what I need to do is to read the BIBLE. It is so hard. I
know. But here’s the thing, the Bible is God’s love letter to all people. The
overall theme is God’s love for us. Over and over humanity fails to understand
and trust God that he is indeed love, but then God moves and proves himself. I
guess I’m not alone in questioning God’s goodness. In fact, the reason Adam and
Eve sinned in the garden was because the serpent made them believe that God
wasn’t as good as he said. They believed the lie and the rest is history. The
beautiful part of their story is that God did not leave them in their sin and
shame. He provided clothes for them and ultimately provided Jesus to bridge the
way for humanity to be reunited with him. God never left them alone and I am
realizing that he has never left me alone either.
Singing
about truth and reading the Bible are just two ways that help me remember who I
am in Christ and who God is. There are several other ways in which I am
searching for healing. I realize that I CANNOT walk this journey alone, so I
have asked friends to walk with me. I have an awesome COUNSELOR that I see
almost every week and she helps me with the thoughts that I have and also gives
me MEDICINE. J
I am an advocate for medicine. If your body needs medicine to function properly,
then use it. It is just another way God can bring healing and there is nothing
wrong with it. I also am privileged to live in a community that offers many
avenues for healing to occur. I participate in HEALING PRAYER SESSIONS where my
friends and a leader come together with me and we talk and pray about issues
and invite Jesus to heal my woundedness. It is an amazing experience. HEALING
is a process. God knows how much we can handle at a time, so I will continue to
seek healing until he returns or calls me home. One day I may be healed from my
depression, but that is not the point of the healing prayers. Depression for me
may very well be a chemical imbalance that needs to be stabilized with
medicine. If it isn’t a chemical imbalance then I know one day it will go away,
but that is not the goal of my healing prayer sessions. The goal is for the
healing of my heart. I need to be healed from the lies that I have believed for
so long. Healing is so much more than taking care of the outward symptoms, it’s
about restoration with the one true God and becoming content in the love he has
for us.
So here I
am. Human. Broken. I am here speaking the hard truth about life, hoping that
someone reading this will find comfort and know that they are not alone. In your
deepest, darkest hour you don’t need to believe what God says, you just need to
know what he says, so that you can hold onto the truth until you have the
ability to believe it. God won’t leave you hanging long. (I once again say that
knowing the truth, but not believing it). He is close and will never leave you.
Contrary to
what Christians might say or believe, humans DO NOT have to have ‘it all’
together before coming to Christ. Look at God’s love letter. The majority of
the most devote followers of Christ were at their worst when Christ redeemed
them. Examples: The criminal on the cross next to Jesus, Saul on the road to
Damascus, Peter after denying he knew Jesus. The list goes on and on. I count
myself fortunate to be part of the rough crowd that Jesus called to him. I am a
redeemed child of God, which is the truth. One day I look forward to believing
it with my whole heart.
